And just like that, we let go. I dont let it go to me sometimes, and other times I do. In those moments, it seems unbearable. The very idea of being.
In conversations with my self, and others around me over the past few days I realise that my own obsessions, attachments and detachments can be quite eclectic. For example, the desire to draw compels me at times- an obsessive force that I cannot seem to reconcile with, so I draw. I give in. An attachment I have developed is drawing in a particular place with similar groups of people, yet am completely detached from their very existence. I witnessed today some violence – and I imagine, this is a daily occurrence – its an everyday experience for some of these groups of children and people that I engage with on my weekly drawing.
So, explaining that briefly, I realise my other obsessions and attachments and question the healthiness of such things. Wouldnt it be fantastic to just let go to Love fully, and not worry about getting attached or obsessed with it, that when it arrives, its embraced, and when it goes, its gone. Maybe to return, and maybe to not. I believe principally in the idea of letting go to it, though I wonder if my Ego can handle such a philosophy. From experience, it seems its still a long way to go. Rebuilding after love has gone from the system, or the potential of such a thing can take its toll on the soul.
Yet, I have little desire for material accumulation – I create and make art – and write, once done however, it seems I am looking for the next idea to make or create. This seems at face value, to me, a process that I want to apply across the realm of emotional wants and needs. I wonder if that makes sense with my desire to create spaces where people can experience certain emotions. My obsession over the years with ‘sacred’ spaces – finding a place to meditate, to think, to contemplate, to be, etc. The sacredness of these spaces leave a particular attachment to me. Yet, I am detached from most ideas of spaces that engage my soul in a particularly challenging way – these spaces of contestation – for me has been mostly spaces where family tend to congregate en-mass and more and more, spaces where noise, arguments and domination take place. So despite having an obsession for all these sacred spaces – the one most important, I seem to be detached from. Whether this particular detachment is healthy, I am unsure.
Perhaps, its to do with my own desire for independence, or the particular emotions that are evoked are not necessarily ones that I want to repeat again..
I enjoy obsessing over the idea of the self-portrait, continually wanting to see myself through my art, possibly because the voyeur in me, or the narcissist in me is curious to see what I make of myself in the privacy of my space. I also consider this blog-space quite safe too, it allows for a non-judgement method of posting and processing ideas and drawings. Quite possibly, the presentation structure also allows me to quickly edit the thoughts. I have little desire to be ‘daring’ and ‘radical’ in the posting of the blogs. Yet, I can’t help but post drawings that I do. An obsession that I deem relatively healthy.
Another obsession that I have, seem to be the persistence to continue on, despite the odds and sometimes not knowing when to stop. So, there is a desire to do something beyond its usually accepted level and to push myself. I realise it maybe to seek validation in some ways, both from myself and my peers, in doing something meaningful and purpose-led. However, I will stop for now and revisit this post tomorrow. Maybe I will revise it and the drawing.