London Drawings: Digital portrait experiment 3

self Portrait Layers REd Low Res.jpg

London Drawings: Self-portrait, after Giacometti

Giacommeti Inspired Self Portrait Triple self copy

Dhaka Drawings: Self Portrait



Dhaka Drawings: Self portrait (Chinese ink bleeds on A1 newspaper)

Self portrait march 29 vers 2fullsizeoutput_1ab0fullsizeoutput_1ab1fullsizeoutput_1ab2fullsizeoutput_1ab3

Dhaka Drawings: Self Portrait, large head


Dhaka Drawings: Self-Portrait experiment & Thoughts on Obsession, attachment and detachment

And just like that, we let go. I dont let it go to me sometimes, and other times I do. In those moments, it seems unbearable. The very idea of being.

In conversations with my self, and others around me over the past few days I realise that my own obsessions, attachments and detachments can be quite eclectic. For example, the desire to draw compels me at times- an obsessive force that I cannot seem to reconcile with, so I draw. I give in.  An attachment I have developed is drawing in a particular place with similar groups of people, yet am completely detached from their very existence.  I witnessed today some violence – and I imagine, this is a daily occurrence – its an everyday experience for some of these groups of children and people that I engage with on my weekly drawing.

So, explaining that briefly, I realise my other obsessions and attachments and question the healthiness of such things. Wouldnt it be fantastic to just let go to Love fully, and not worry about getting attached or obsessed with it, that when it arrives, its embraced, and when it goes, its gone. Maybe to return, and maybe to not.  I believe principally in the idea of letting go to it, though I wonder if my Ego can handle such a philosophy. From experience, it seems its still a long way to go. Rebuilding after love has gone from the system, or the potential of such a thing can take its toll on the soul.

Yet, I have little desire for material accumulation – I create and make art – and write, once done however, it seems I am looking for the next idea to make or create.  This seems at face value, to me, a process that I want to apply across the realm of emotional wants and needs. I wonder if that makes sense with my desire to create spaces where people can experience certain emotions. My obsession over the years with ‘sacred’ spaces – finding a place to meditate, to think, to contemplate, to be, etc. The sacredness of these spaces leave a particular attachment to me. Yet, I am detached from most ideas of spaces that engage my soul in a particularly challenging way – these spaces of contestation – for me has been mostly spaces where family tend to congregate en-mass and more and more, spaces where noise, arguments and domination take place. So despite having an obsession for all these sacred spaces – the one most important, I seem to be detached from. Whether this particular detachment is healthy, I am unsure.

Perhaps, its to do with my own desire for independence, or the particular emotions that are evoked are not necessarily ones that I want to repeat again..
I enjoy obsessing over the idea of the self-portrait, continually wanting to see myself through my art, possibly because the voyeur in me, or the narcissist in me is curious to see what I make of myself in the privacy of my space. I also consider this blog-space quite safe too, it allows for a non-judgement method of posting and processing ideas and drawings.  Quite possibly, the presentation structure also allows me to quickly edit the thoughts. I have little desire to be ‘daring’ and ‘radical’ in the posting of the blogs. Yet, I can’t help but post drawings that I do. An obsession that I deem relatively healthy.

Another obsession that I have, seem to be the persistence to continue on, despite the odds and sometimes not knowing when to stop.  So, there is a desire to do something beyond its usually accepted level and to push myself. I realise it maybe to seek validation in some ways, both from myself and my peers, in doing something meaningful and purpose-led. However, I will stop for now and revisit this post tomorrow. Maybe I will revise it and the drawing. img_6811



Dhaka Drawings: Self Portrait experiments

On a side note: the concept of letting go.

To let go. To what? To life, maybe.  The struggle I took upon myself was to control my ego, to not let it control my soul.  The suffering to overcome was one of the desire to cling to an idea, object or a person – to let Truth or Love dictate the path, however challenging it may seem to be. It perhaps is the ultimate challenge.

The cycle of the creative process starts and ends is crude, yet relatively true. Yes, the environment and experiences continually change and shape our thoughts – it requires the ability to be willing to experience and accept these changes of thoughts too. It also, happens that the artist in me is able to express a moment or idea in time and space. The constant remaining idea is one of change. So, the experiment here was to draw. and then destroy. and all that remains is a photo-image, and an idea.  The challenge being to fight the ego, to not preserve this as The Truth, but simply one idea of it.  It re-ignites my passion to fully immerse in life.  My perception of myself changes with my continual introspection, my ability to draw and make art changes too, as I gain experiences and push the boundaries that exist within my life. However difficult it may seem to let go, it is still possible.  Trust and letting go to Love is all that I can do. And, I realise that is enough, despite the Ego wanting so much more.