It has been a while, it feels, since I last wrote on the blog. In that time, dreams have taken over my mind. disturbed by them, I have tried to talk to friends, make sense of them. Realising there is little I can do about the dreams themselves, I resolved to ignore them. Imagine, they come back stronger. This is a deeper post than others, perhaps because I am unsure as to what else to write at this moment – it doesn’t make sense to write about work at the moment…
2014 has been quite a turbulent year, another year where I could never have planned what has taken place. It sets a new landmark and a milestone – the last year of the twenties before going on to 30 at the end of next year. Whilst work in Dhaka is going well, I seem to be worse than I was in terms of emotional well-being. Friends close to me have some ideas of whats going on and why and I am dealing with it as best I can, yet..
We have gone a long way with Paraa this year and I am excited about the year ahead. Yet, I can genuinely say I am shocked at the way the year has gone, at some point love had gripped me. Before I had known what to do with it, I had lost the love itself. Had I let love truly run its course? I wasn’t expecting it, coming so suddenly amidst the life that I lead, it was always going to be second best. Rushed thoughts, panicked emails, chaotic conversations and an inability to get a grip, I had lost control in the wrong way. In time it will whither and the heart will mend… a friend has said. I hope so.
The dreams now disturb in a way that makes no sense, I am afraid to pick up the pencil to draw so much – precisely because what I draw scares me. I seem to be in a pensive mood in the drawing below – I know better. I look worried, and I am. Another friend suggests therapy, I may have to concede and see how it goes. How strange to end a year of achievements that surpass any I had planned, a year where I saw myself do things I have never imagined I would, times where I was pushed and pushed others, it seems to be quite something else altogether – quite a surreal year. It is the year I started to draw again quite seriously, I let Art become a part of my life again, I realised the value of true friendship all over again. What I realised as well, was that it will be a difficult, lonely road ahead, but its ok. It is ok to cry, it is ok to ask for help.
I am learning, most importantly, to understand, that I have little control over what Love dictates, like the passion that I have for the work that I do, the drawings that I create. I will continue trying to let go to Truth, to be honest to myself and those around me, hoping one day that Love may come again. Maybe next time, I won’t be so consumed by it.