Thoughts On: Self, Love, Emotions

It has been, what seems an unconventionally busy few weeks internally.  It felt a bit like being on the losing side in a boxing ring, or perhaps, an Auerbach painting, or more aptly – the changing rapidity of the London weather. To take an umbrella, or not – to wear sandals or not. To take many layers. The secret, of course – is to take everything!  Not an interesting topic perhaps to write about on a blog, and its vagueness will also frustrate the reader. Here, I am acknowledging that growing up involves being able to handle and process many different emotions. Being ready. There are no second chances. Our lives are filled with sound bites or quotes; cliches, one liners. The past few weeks have confronted me with fear, disgust, shock, love, kindness, gentleness, sensuality, intimacy, hatred, empathy, confusion, more shock, the past and more.

The human being in me, in a post-modern way contains now the artist, architect, researcher, the designer, the writer, the thinker, the doer, the philosopher, the teacher, the writer, friend, son, brother, cousin, uncle, mentor, mentee, the manager, the collaborator, the colleague, the agnostic, the nail-biter, the walker, the queer, the lover, the fighter, the obsessed pragmatist, the deluded idealist.  No wonder, I say, that I feel like I am doing too much. Overthinking. Over-Analysing. To be a leader, to be led. to challenge and to be challenged. It continues on in a vicious cycle that requires constant focus on the present, on the truth – What is it that is defined as Truth? Whose Truth? What Truth? Where do I buy it? Where do I find it? Where do I go to seek it? Who will guide me to it? and what do I do once I have it? Perhaps, it is to stop. To not to seek. But to accept. To find. To do. To settle. What an absurd idea. I must pursue it all, or nothing.

I go through bouts of existential doubt, go through moments of complete and utter confusion. What is the right way to go forward? The only way to go, I realise, of course – is forwards. One foot in front of the other. One idea in continuation of another.  Everything else will continue to filter itself. To edit down, to reduce itself to the only things that matter. To continue being erased until it is not relevant. To continue being. How to overcome such human frailties? To fully embrace them. To acknowledge that its human to be able to feel, think and do all these things. Its a challenge to stay human. Especially when its so easy to become something else. Too easy perhaps.

The internal soul, and the eternal soul continue to prod, to push, to challenge, to engage with the reality of the self that is to overcome. To forget, to live, to die, to be present. It takes energy to produce such thoughts. It takes experience to know that such thoughts are also irrelevant. I write anyways. Acknowledging that, Love is all that we seek, and need in all its guises.

2 Comments on “Thoughts On: Self, Love, Emotions”

  1. Margaret Baker says:

    Dearest Ruhul,

    Your writing is extraordinary. I read it with tears, for its intensity, depth and visionary perspective. I shall read it a few more times in the next few days.

    Thank you for putting the poem ‘A cry of shame’ on your blog. I feel honoured that you did so, despite having so much going on in your mind and a busy life.

    Thank you also for turning up at John’s birthday celebration. I know it meant a lot to him and also to me. I can’t say the same for Herbert who spent most of his time hiding in the bedroom!

    I shall pray for your well being.

    Love Margaret.

  2. Margaret Baker says:

    You are right to say that in all the turmoil of our lives, Love is what we endlessly seek .for others and for ourselves. Yours is a complex identity and to know you is to be enriched.

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