Starting the year with a self-study..Posted: January 5, 2015
I was slightly angst about this, so asked others what they thought about me posting drawings of myself on here beyond the face.
Of course – it brings forward some basic issues about conservatism and what is appropriate and what it is I am doing (by blogging such drawings on a website – for example). It automatically makes me question what my family will think, my mother or father – and whoever else that may take these drawings and use them against me. It seems quite simple and silly to think such a thing is possible in this day and age, but I come from a community that is conservative. I never know how to then, push this boundary that is within myself- this self-constructed boundary and challenge it.
In this instance, I am aware of why I am drawing myself – what it is that I want to see. However, as the impact is upon others when blogging and not on me (as I can view the drawing and share with whom I need to) and I don’t have the selfishness within me to unduly hurt others. Especially if it can be avoided. It means, atleast the full drawings won’t be on the blog – but I have uploaded a snippet of it – those that are interested in wanting to see the full drawing may write to me. I think thats the easiest way of resolving that dilemma.
Why draw the self in full? and what difference does it make? Different peoples feedback intrigues me, as does my own reaction to how I view myself. There is intimacy, anxiety, frustration, rigidity, perhaps even elements of vulgarity are there too. Others have reacted in much different ways – and their perception of me, as opposed to my perception of me, seems to differ immensely. Yet, these recent drawings were done between our workshop with the homeless women – at face value, their vulnerability is much stronger and visible than my own. One lady struggled for a while to hold the pencil, admitted she could not write and then struggled to draw. Another tried to copy an image. I watched and observed. Reflecting at the time about what I would do if I was not able to express my thoughts through words, or some of my emotions through drawings… It triggers, now, thoughts that force me to reject my own vulnerability, to strip away pointless boundaries that are self-created and to focus on what is important – Truth within and external to me.
It is always a challenge however, and the drawings are a great way for me to articulate my emotions and thoughts at a moment in time. What is more important of course, is to see these drawings when these particular set of emotions have calmed, when I am no longer in Dhaka and drawing myself in another environment – to see how I perceive myself. I love the paintings by this artist: Barkley L. Hendricks and his focus. Some ideas are bubbling about subjects and projects in relation to drawing, but I restrain myself for a little bit longer. Practice is still needed.
The conversation and the idea still stands and I will continue developing these drawings as a way to interrogate how I perceive myself as part of the ongoing narrative of life.